Saturday, February 26, 2011


I am not kidding.
Today I was shopping for Spring clothes at a mall in New Jersey.
I shop in stores like PacSun and Forever 21 because I dress like an annoying hipster to piss everyone off.
Also the clothes are nice and they have nice fitting jeans.
In Pacsun, I grab a pair of skinny jeans in size 3, which is my usual size, and go to the fitting room to try them on.
They did fit, but they didn't look too good on me.
I guess I have been eating too many tacos at Chipotle but I CAN CLOG MY ARTERIES IF I WANT TO.
A young black lady working at the fitting room took a look at me and said, "Hmph, well, it's time to go a size up, young lady. Gotta start counting those calories. I know it's hard, but I know from experience."
Now, I can't say I don't love women with lovely lady lumps. I can't say that at all because that is probably me in the next ten years.
However if you're packing some junk in that trunk of yours, you have no right to tell me to count my calories.

Triflin ass hoe.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Also, I'm downloading Will & Grace season 1.
Everything is gay and ginger and nothing hurts.
I got excited today that I had 7 followers but quickly realized I accidentally followed myself.
I think that if I were not myself, I would follow me.
I'm just that wonderful.
Britney Spears is actually the woman I can never be.
However I will try my hardest to live up to the perfection that is her life.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I officially have two followers.
Should I feel important now?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

In other news

It feels like I've been hit in the head by the angry fist of God.
He is clearly mad that I've ditched the Almighty church for a good day's sleep and porn.
Except I don't even like porn.
I'd much rather watch someone shove their angry fist up someone's orifice than sit through 45 minutes of Jesus preaching.
My choices in life make me happy.
I think it's a good day altogether when one of your favorite team wins.
Except you haven't seen the outside world since Monday and it's currently Wednesday and the sight of light makes you want to cringe.

Football > Life

You can't judge me cause I'm fabulous.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I want a cat so we can bitch to each other about our boring, uneventful lives.
I have successfully done nothing today.
Except watch the Real Madrid game which was excellent except for the fact that Yoann Gourcuff can't keep his fairy self from flying and it ended with a draw.
Benzema did a fucking fantastic job of scoring 40 seconds after walking onto the pitch.
I love my fellow legends.

Also, fuck you Olimpique Lyon.

Monday, February 21, 2011


Despite me being a dick 99% of the time, I actually have a heart and found myself reading up on the Libyan protests.
It pains my little black heart to see people dying for their freedom.
I mean, I'm sitting on a comfy ass bed and drinking good tea.
I'm lucky.
As I watched Anderson Cooper explain the events occurring in Libya, instead of fighting the urge to fap furiously to the sight of that fine silver haired fox, I wrote a lengthy e-mail to my state senator and to the White House.
I'm being productive and I like it.
I'm all for peace, man.


I think as you get older you realize how many assholes dwell upon your every negative emotion.
As if people are sitting on my lawn with a bag of popcorn waiting for me to open a bottle of whiskey and drink myself to liver damage and eventual death.

It would almost be a blessing to be a whore and release my anger on idiots who think with their penis and come off as being only sexually frustrated instead of just god damned angry.
However being sexually frustrated is only a minor problem.

Goddammit, why can't I just stay home and paint and watch the soccer and eat Taco Bell all day?

I hope everyone gets herpes.

I hate people.

I'm a diginified cunt with a blog

Holla at me.